I have a hard time talking about my love life. I never really talked about it, not here, not with my friends that much, and sure as hell not with my family.
Some time ago I briefly explained my issue in a Let’s talk about love article, but in 2021 I met him and suddenly everything and nothing made sense anymore. For the first time, I wanted to talk about it, talk about him and to him all the time. I put everything else on hold.
Yep, I ain’t gonna lie, he was the reason I haven’t written much all year long. How could I when I wanted to spend every second with him?
It was all good. Everything I did was better than ever cuz I had him.
It was all good until it wasn’t.
It was a year of highs and lows and it was all about him. He was a perfectly bounded part of my life, from the sweet start of 2021 to its bitter end.
Writing it all down here, getting it out of my chest, letting it go, and slowly forgetting it is my way of coping with life. So let’s talk about him.
I spend Christmas and new years eve of 2020 at home in Slovakia. As I was returning back to Prague by night train we had a malfunction somewhere around the west parts of Slovakia. I got bored and opened up tinder. Nothing special until I got a super like from a guy from around that part as my train got stuck. There was something captivating about him that made me swipe right.
We matched and it all began. It was all inevitable.
He messaged me shortly and we clicked right away.
I’m not the one to pay attention to a one-person for very long. I get easily distracted, lose interest, find something more interesting, or find basically any reason to not take those things seriously. That changed with him. I wanted more and more. I was on a hook.
He was charming, knew how to talk to me, how to sweet talk to me. We had plenty of things in common and we spend late nights talking to each other.
He was my good morning text and my good night text.
I found myself talking to him so easily, telling him things I only thought in my head and never voiced out loud. Always on my mind. I would see something pretty or funny and I would find myself wanting to share it with him. Every aspect of my life. And he did the same! The fact that someone wanted to share their life with me, talk to me every other hour was mindblowing.
When I got promoted he was the first to know and the support I felt from him was remarkable. When someone pissed me off it was him I complained to. I confide in him and he listened and always knew what to tell me. I was overwhelmed with him, with how right it felt and I thought: this is it, this is what I’ve been waiting for. It’s destiny. It had to be him.
It had to be him cuz there was no possible way we could have ever met, other than destiny. We’re from opposite sides of the country, hell we’ve been living in different states, and yet I was attracted to him like a magnet.
Those were the pink glasses days and it was all good.
Of course, we had plans to meet up. So many plans.
But you know covid restrictions in Europe were difficult and then after a few weeks of intense talking, we both got covid. We both started feeling odd around the same time, went to tests on the same day only in different states and both tested positive.
This only convinced me in a whole destiny situation. My 10 days with Covid were much better because of him. I wasn’t alone in it. There was someone out there close to me who knew exactly how I felt cuz he was going through the same thing.
We both got over covid, got vaxxed so we could meet up in real life and move from the online world that was not enough anymore for me. I wanted it to be real so badly it all went downhill.
And that’s where the thought times and excuses started.
There was always something in our way. Excuses as to why not to see each other despite talking to each other every single day for over 5 months now.
He promised me summer.
The restrictions would be eased in the summertime, we would explore Prague together and everything would be good. So I waited.
It goes without saying, it was only him I was talking to, loyal even though we never met.
In those 6 months of talking we came across topics we would disagree on and we would talk and argue about it. We would say mean things and end up apologizing to each other soon enough like mature adults.
I was over the moon even with the bad thing cuz it felt so real.
He was older than me and I convinced myself he was everything I wanted and successfully ignored the red flags. And boy did he have plenty of them but I just thought I’m not perfect either. We fit perfectly with our imperfections, we keep sticking around despite our fights that kept accelerating.
One thing that kept us both hooked up on each other was sexting.
We’re all adults here I assume and there should not be any stigma about that part of our lives either. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it or go into much detail. That part of our relationship that was not a relationship cuz that was unthinkable for him, was hot and awesome. I never talked so openly and honestly about everything, including sex, like I did with him.
Again he shook all of my previous beliefs. Please don’t send me your duck pics article were no longer relevant. We would fight and angrily makeup with pics and videos and no matter how toxic that was it was hot and all common sense was out of the picture for both of us.
All of our fights were about one main topic.
A toxic cycle of me begging him for something more and him feeling suffocated with me pressuring him.
After 6 months he stopped promising to come and I stopped asking. We still keep talking to each other out of habit, unable to let it go. I would ride the terrible rollercoaster of beautiful highs of our long night talks and lows of our complicated plans to move forward.
Sexting stopped for several months and none of us bothered to dig into why.
At our beginnings, we talked about what we expected from this and we were both open to anything. He would often talk about our future together, how he would move to Prague, he even quit his job eventually and were looking for a new job in Prague as well, talked about how we would travel together, visit his mum in America, and more.
After 8 months came a shift.
He no longer wanted any relationship at all, the thought of ever having a wife or family was repulsing. He was a night bird that can’t be tamed and he wants to live and not be tied down by someone. A relationship is an end for him.
Thought of us ever meeting was long forgotten.
“I like what we have now” was all I got along with many sleepless nights crying myself to sleep wondering what did I do wrong.
The best cure for a broken heart is another guy and that’s exactly what I did.
I accepted the fact he no longer wanted me and wanted to move on. He would not let me through.
After several weeks of basic friend talk, my sweet man returned. All of a sudden he was charming, attentive and it was just as it was at the beginning. He would promise to come again.
The one difference was that I was open about him not being the only one for me anymore.
He did not like that one bit. I cut contact with my rebound guy cuz I was all about my man again and we were back where we started. All about each other like the last few terrible months did not happen. And I ignored it cuz I once again got what I thought I wanted.
I called him out on his shitty behavior and he admitted he got scared of the reality of our situation. He didn’t want to lose me, even though he still did not want to actually be with me. That’s the definition of toxic btw. But you ignore it when it’s that much fun.
Instagram and Facebook breakdown made him realize that we can’t keep this online anymore. He actually start planning his visit in October.
Btw I suggested I would visit him as a solution to his many excuses many times but he always dismissed it with something.
I no longer believed him though.
He kept promising he would come to see me for 9 months.
I was angry and I had no idea if when I would finally see him I would not end up slapping him instead of kissing him.
I was sure he would let me down again and come with some other excuse for not coming, even though he had a train ticket already.
It was the moment I saw him in reality and hugged him when it hit me that he’s really here.
The fact that even after all of the crap we went through he still came to see me was enough to forget all the bad. It was all destiny again. We had to get over the bad things to start building something real. Honestly, I could justify anything just to have him.
The reality with him was better than I could ever dream of. We hit it off right away like we knew each other forever. It was all good. I mastered ignoring red flags and it was all good.
After 4 days together he left with a promise to be back.
It’s so easy to fall for the sweet talker.
Who wouldn’t like listening to compliments all day long? Talks about how perfect you are. What a priority you are. How he wants to have a home with you and how exciting our future is going to be.
How could you not believe that when you’ve been waiting for it for so long?
But when he got back home he bought a plane ticket back to America.
Out talks about the future long forgotten.
No one ever made me feel so seen and so used as he did. And I still kept coming back for more. Still talk to him every single day. Still hoping he would change his mind and realize I’m enough for him.
I always bitched about girls so unaware of their own worth, girls who would beg for a bare minimum from an average guy with zero respect for them so naturally, I became one.
He kept sweet talking to me though.
But this time it only made me sadder cuz I knew it’s not gonna last.
I tried to break it off several times but he was so good at talking me into things.
Things like continuing being hooked on him with no intention of moving anywhere from here.
He was changing his mind every other day.
One day I was his priority and everything he wants, the other I was such a great friend. One day we were planning to move in together, the other day he was sending job applications to Austria.
I told him that I would support him through anything but us breaking up our not-relationship is inevitable. He refused to accept that. I would predict we would slowly stop talking and calling each other every day. He would promise that wouldn’t happen, we would stay in touch no matter what. I would say I don’t want to wait for something that might never happen. He said nothing.
He moved to another country for work and said nothing. I kept asking questions and was met with silence or complaints about asking too much. He said he would call but he didn’t. I said I can’t continue like this and want out of it and he said he wants that too.
And just like that our year together being not together was over.
Our grand destiny-like beginning and all of the promises long forgotten but the lesson of this year was very well learned.
I don’t regret it one bit. It was exactly what I needed at the time. Unconditional support and someone I could talk to through the whole year. He was someone who made me realize exactly what I want and don’t want in a partner.
Despite all of the sleepless nights and heartache, I am grateful I got to experience him and wish him the best. Just not with me anymore.
Still, the best cure for heartbreak is another one. Let’s see the sleepless nights 2022 brings me.