When I moved to Prague I imagined it all so differently.
But that’s not how life goes. Nothing is ever as you imagined it.
My vision was to move to this grand city with my best friends and just start again. To have my best twenties, take the opportunities, meet new people, go on adventures and just live that movie like life.
I had to start from the bottom. This blog of mine was always about brutal therapeutical honesty. All of my shame, all of my regrets are not gonna disappear if I never talk about it. My oversharing my personal life so far has only had a liberating effect on my life.
To admit and to let go. To move on and let the others know shit happens.
After my How mental health affected my eating habits and The honest story of my University dropout I opened the new chapter. I left some people behind, I took some people with me and I thought I had it all figured out.
Prague was a promise.
Everything was supposed to get better and even though it kinda did, it was a hell of a rollercoaster.
It’s been 11 months in Prague and for me, those 11 months felt like and 11 years. The relativity of time was never so substantial for me as it has in Prague. It all went by so fast yet so slow and so many shits happened and yet not enough.
The first couple of months went on like I was in a delirium. I can’t grasp any particular memory from that time as it’s been so corrupted ever since. Living with my best friend, watching our favorite shows, cooking together, exploring Prague, meeting new people and I genuinely thought this is it. This is what I’ve been missing. Just living and not overthinking about the future or the past.
It was all so glamorous. I got to call those streets my home. Hundreds of people come to Prague each day to see the majesty that I get to call my home. There are old friends of mine who never been to Prague and it’s considered a goal for them. It’s on the people’s bucket list. And I’m lucky enough to wake up in the grand Prague every day. It was overwhelming.
But nothing is ever as you imagine it. My perfect bubble burst in my Moving out Moving on.
I got to start again. Prague part 2.
There is something addictive about new beginnings. I’m only 23 and I had way too many new beginnings for such a young age. But there is this incredible rush of excitement mixed with panic that runs through your veins and you can actually feel that sort of chill, the effect of a clean sheet. New start. Leave all of the shits behind.
I got it when I moved from my hometown and left for 4 years of study in Kosice. I got that when I moved from Slovakia to the Czech Republic and I got that feeling again when I moved to Prague.
My second move in Prague got corrupted and wicked.
I didn’t get to start again, I was forced to.
Suddenly I was stripped out of the feeling of control over my life by the person I trusted the most and oh boy that fucked me up. I had trust issues and problems with control since forever and my Road to self-love is a mess but it’s worth it is the perfect example of it. All of my self-doubts came crushing back down on me.
I didn’t get start fresh, I had to continue from the ruins.
Everything has changed and yet I’m supposed to go on as nothing did. I go to the same job, walk past the same buildings, meet the same people. The only new thing is the feeling of total abandonment and new debts I’ll be paying for a very long time.
I can’t blame my friends for moving on without me. Hell, I did the same thing to some other friends and I never ever gave it a second thought. A family I left behind, friends I forgot about and the love I turned down because I just had to seek for more. Never satisfied. Always wanting better. Bigger. More.
There is this feeling of longing for something I can’t really name or get rid of.
Don’t you ever just want? Not anything specific, but you just want. Something. Someone. I don’t know.
I believed Prague was gonna be it for me and it really had the potential to be so if God or destiny didn’t have other plants. Now I’m here. Continuing on as nothing happened. Losing more friends than making new. Putting dreams on hold in order to live a decent life. Going to work and going home. Learning to cook for one. Having Netflix on to cover up the silence of an empty apartment. Realizing nothing I have is actually mine and doing anything to actually feel like myself again.
Truth is, I never felt so lonely or so proud of myself as I do now. The loneliness makes you do crazy, out of character shits. Like messaging old crushes or setting up a tinder account.
There is this guy I met on tinder who’s life philosophy was:
What can you teach me?
Honestly, I never met such an open and charming person ever and he got me rethinking my life a lot.
I realized that Prague has taught me a lot about myself.
I never intended Prague to be my final destination, but I never planned for it to have such an important role in the development of my character. Sure I can imagine a decent life here but that’s not enough. My view of Prague will forever be crooked.
Prague would always be haunted for me.
Haunted by old friendships, the ghost of betrayal, lost chances, and missed opportunities. Prague is so rich in history and I brought my history with me when I couldn’t let go of my past and it came back kicking. I’m hoping that when the day comes for me to leave the city, I’ll leave the bad stuff here and I’ll take only lessons learned with me to my next stop. If that’s gonna be in a year or in a five I have no idea.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the city but it’s sad love. Love that’s making me think about every choice I made that led me here. I’m taking that “what if” wonder wherever I go.
What if I moved here with a different friend? What if I never said no and what if I never said yes? But most importantly, what if I stopped overthinking everything?
There is this quote from OITNB seventh season that motivated me to write this all down and it goes like this:
“In my experience, the good memories from the past are never as good as we remember them, and then the bad ones are worse than we remember them, but our brains, they play these games so we don’t kill ourselves. And we just keep doing shit.”
In conclusion, I am bitter.
Bitter for the way life happened and tempered with my life views. I am Bitter for the way I let people treat me. Bitter because I can’t think about the city I love the same way I used to. I am Bitter because I just can’t let go of what’s still there. Bitter cuz I have to stay. I’m Bitter cuz I have shit to prove. Bitter cuz that’s life. I’m bitter cuz it’s unfair and bitter cuz it is.